I was happening to watch a Debate on a TV show few days back. It was something related to “Language being a Socio-Political device instigating Division”. So, there were self proclaimed theatre legends (folks who mess up in movies), religious activists (people whose main occupation round the year is to keep a tab on which leader or celebrity sparked a controversial statement and then issue a fatwa on him) etc. each having something or the other to deliver as a Final Verdict on how really Language is creating a rift in the “Unity in Diversity” motto of India. Now, to the mango people like me… I just don’t have the brains to understand some of the theories they were putting (neither do I wish to understand). So, in this blog, I will just write about how and why I have been tortured and confused throughout my childhood (the buck hasn’t stopped, though) with the dilemma of “Why So many Languages?”
Phase 1: Pre-school days: The innocent days of learning your mother tongue – Bangla in my case (am sure this “mother tongue” term originated coz I hardly see Baba speaking when maa n baba have an argument) was perhaps the best days of my life. By birth I am a Bong (I wonder if this term – Bong has really something to do with the Bengali’s affinity to the real stuff ‘Bong’ – u know the one which makes u go high n all), and my early childhood was spent mostly with Marwari and Gujarati kids of my neighborhood. And yes, my baba used to play Boney M and Abba on the gramophone. Thus, I was confused with the Multi Language system long before I even realized what ‘confused’ meant. And yes, Being an Indian and more because am a Bong, I had the privilege of having 1 Bhalo naam (Good name, School name, Official name – wateva) and a series of very embarrassing, hard hitting Daak naams (Gyara – for instance if u r short, Bhombol/Gablu/Golu if ur just a bit on the wrong side of the BMI Scale)
Phase 2: Early School days: Introducing “The English”. The baap of all languages finally arrived on my plate. Am glad that I was admitted to an Eng Med Co Ed School (happier on the Co Ed part of it) and soon fell in love with Radiant Readers. Couple it with Bengali Sohoj Path, Kisoloy etc, plusthere was Hindi...partly coz of the cute Marwari classmate I had a crush on… and largely due to the influence of Bollywood which made my Hindi Base quite sturdy. Long before I had held my First Hindi Textbook, I could already read and understand whole words like “Pyaar”, “Dil”, “Pyaasi Jawani” etc courtesy the Posters. So, at the age of 6, I was doing a threesome with languages.
Phase 3: Middle School days: Things in English moved to frightening stuffs like “Present perfect continuous tense” (I still don’t know what the hell was that – but it surely made me continuously tense), On top of that I had an obese English Ma’am screaming her lungs out “Wren and Martin is your Bible.” And that’s not all – In came, SaratChandra and BankimChandra with their shares of “Duradoyoshchokro nibhosso Tonni, TamaalTaaji Bonoraaji Neela.” kind of Bengali. I loved Hindi back then because it was still in its puberty with “Akbar Birbal” and “Chuha Billi” kind of stories. And those were the days in which I realized the advantage of the 3-tier Linguistic architecture … yes, u get to know so many interesting synonyms for different Human anatomies in various languages. (I can think of around 10 for the posterior one… :))
Phase 4: Senior School/College days: Bengali and English had wrecked havoc by then. Mr. Shakespeare had already suffocated us with his extra dose of “Thou art my friend… “And Bengali did little help either. The only easy stuff, Hindi had already made a quiet exit before the Climax (Board exams). So if you thought 3 languages were more than enough to possibly flunk you, you missed a thing buddies. What about Logo (I still could not figure out wtf did the shore turtle wanted?), Basic, Java, C and its ++ brothers? So again, you needed to work harder on learning another couple of languages to work on a machine which is supposed to make your work easier (Bingo! I framed an oxymoronic sentence)
Phase 5: Settled out of Kolkata: So now, if you are lucky enough to survive all these years of this linguistic torture, you might as well land up with a job somewhere in India. Now that you are ecstatic about the fact that you are earning (and gulping down beer alternate days) and it’s finally the end of all the learning, hold on. If you are in Hyderabad, u better learn some Telugu, coz that would help you understand the lyrics of the songs to which the Busty babes on Sun TV and Maa TV seductively lip-sync to (Just to get a better feel of the things, u know ). If you are in Pune, be sure to scream “Mee Marathi Maanoos aahe, Jai Shivaji” in case Raj Thackerey’s men chose to f*** with u. You have a scope of learning 1600+ recognized Indian Languages in this fashion. Also, you’ll need to grasp languages like JAVA, VB, COBOL, PERL etc, if, unluckily, god forbid, you are an IT guy. Hold on, that’s not all... Your client could be a Mr. Woo/Mr. Gonzales, and your Manager will superbly convince you on learning Woo’s mother tongue now, as it would supposedly help you out a lot once you get an onsite opportunity (But he won’t remember he said anything remotely close to that when you tell him that you have successfully completed the Japanese Certification, is a different story). That’s not enough; If u luckily have an English Client, u should well be able to differentiate between UK/US English…Coz if u innocently say that ”I bought pencil and rubbers for the NGO children”, your US Client will surely mistake u for a pervert; Coz rubber is the term they refer to the thing which is used to prevent having children in the first place.
So what is the significance of this many languages in my existence of being a humble Bong, or let’s say an Indian? Well, the fact is we adapt to everything very naturally. We just cannot be some Mr. James who from his childhood speaks only in English, listens only to English music, abuses only with words starting with F and even makes love only in English. It won’t be much of a fun thing to do, will it? I know my Bengali is of such a degraded quality that Tagore would have smacked me hard on my a** if he could have. My Hindi is still fighting between “aaj baarish hoga?” or “aaj baarish hogi?” My friends say that I have a near perfect strike rate of using the wrong gender every time I speak. My English, ohh… u know by now if you are following my blogs, I don’t need to explain…Marathi and Telugu are something I understand only if there are about 3-4 key words in English punched with them in a sentence. And programming languages? Ask the Computer teacher of my school about me, and it will still send shivers down his spine about the technique I used to design and call functions. But still, somehow I am, like millions surviving, and managing pretty well. Coz I believe that somehow I am better off than a Prime minister of some country who has to carry an interpreter the moment he crosses his borders. We are not very good with any 1 language, but we kickass with a dozen of them. We mis-spell, stammer, and wrongly construct sentences. So what if we see Menu cards with Items like “Masala Cock/Pepsi… Rs.20”, Or maybe a Highway Liquor shop sporting in giant fonts “Child Bear”… (Google it if u don believe me) We adjust and uncannily manage. That’s the best thing about us. And I don’t give a rat’s a** to people who think Language is a dividing force…
Throw me what u got man, am ready for more…! Am kinda Freudian… the more the merrier!
Friday, July 30, 2010
Saturday, July 17, 2010
Myth 2 : Hindi Movies are so unpredictable
Thanks to the millions (exaggeration is a tool which I use the most when I blog) who read my Blog 1. http://toomuchofbongblood.blogspot.com/2010/07/myth-football-is-most-beautiful-game-on.html (This is a business approach –Influence of Gujarati friends I made in Pune).
Candidly speaking, I had to bribe almost my whole friendlist in Orkut and Facebook to read that blog. I had to do few “hey Sweeties, read ma blog?” kind of things to gals who r not sweet from any possible angle;with whom I had last talked some 5 yrs ago. Still when I found that my readership is not crossing the single digit mark, I threw a party at my place and did a narration of the blog. But when I realized that they are more interested in watching “Milenge Milenge” on a pirated DVD than listening to my blog which I was narrating with the same magnitude as Steve Jobs did while addressing the Stanford University fresher’s batch a few yrs ago, I gave up.
Soon, I was watching voluptuous Kareena and size Zero Shahid (yes, this epic was made some 5 yrs ago when Shahid did not have a chest to flaunt, and Kareena did not lose hers… ) cuddling in exotic Locales. That’s when I decided if I write on something next, it would be homage to the Bollywood scriptwriters on how they manage to unravel so many fascinating and unpredictable stories year after year.
The spinal column of a movie is its plot. Now, Hindi Cinema has for eternity been very sturdy and severe in this context; i.e. the plot will be for the most part sketched on one of these lines.
• Poor Guy loves Rich Girl (Rich Girl’s dad = Mr.Evil)
• 2 Guys Love same Girl (The guy who trails the whole movie will unexpectedly hit aces in the last half an hr.)
• 2 Long Lost Twin Brothers (One of them definitely evil) who were separated at birth
• The Hero with a incurable Disease (He’ll not die until the last 10 secs of the movie)
• The Badass killing the Hero’s parents(Or Looting the Izzat of the Hero’s Sis)
Now, the most remarkable thing about a Hindi movie is that you cannot fit it into one single genre. So, even if you go to a theatre and watch an absolutely crappy movie, you are still somehow happy on your way back that you watched almost 5 movies at the price of 1, because a Hindi Movie will consist of all the 5 broad genres:
• Comedy (If sudden dropping of the comedians Pajama qualifies as comedy)
• Romance (Insects sucking the nectar out of a flower kinda stuff)
• Action (From Slaps to Rocket Launchers, u name it , we’ve got it)
• Musical (Nobody can beat Bollywood in the avg. 10 song/movie record)
• Drama (Everything in Hindi movies are over the edge dramatic)
Now, coming to the ‘Must have Characters’:
# 1 The Mom – Immortalized by Nirupa Roy’s ever perennial source of tears and her “Choukh gaye? White Saree”. This character has undergone some serious metamorphosis and has become Kirron Kher wearing a Rs.1.8 Lakh Stone studded Ritu Kumar Saree (for people who love useless trivia) in the epic “Singh is Kinng.” But she will still cry if her son indulges in some “Itne saare paise kahaan se mile beta?” activities and won’t touch the money (jo khoon se range ho) even if the son’s Pitaji is on his death bed in some old ward of a municipal hospital (In other words, the Mom has stood the tests of the time like a Giant Tree, completely unshakeable.)
# 2 The Beta/Hero – Surely he has changed a lot from the times of Rajendar Kumar, where even touching a woman was considered a sin (unless the woman was drowning/freezing and you had to transfer “tann ki garmi” by..You know what). Respecting his parents and siblings was the first and last thing in his mind. Now, he has the liberty to smooch 17 times in a movie. He drinks, lives with the heroine “shaadi ke pehle , ek hi chhat ke neechhe..” He two/multi times with simplicity. This change of the hero’s character is superbly captured by Karan Johar (people who are not straight are finally happy with my mentioning his name) movies. From K2H2, K3G, KHNH to KANK his message has simply shifted to “Love your Friends to Parents to Neighbors to finally… the other man’s wife”. The only thing which has not changed throughout is that his favourite dish remains “Gajar ka Halwa”
# 3 The Gudiya/Heroine – Gone are the good old days when she and her bunch of bubbly sahelis played Balloons and Rings all around Papa’s (Mr. Evil, remember?) huge mansion, dressed in the most eye catching outfits in Yellow, Purple or Pink polka dots. Not to forget the retro oversized glasses and hair bands. Now, imagine 20 something of this rare species on identical bicycles singing “Laa Laa Laa.. Laa Laa”. Now, she wears bikinis even if she’s out shopping for breads n eggs. Vanished are her girlfriends, they are replaced by pretty pretty boyz, she calls friends. She has eradicated the need of Item girls (vamps) like Bindu and Aruna Irani, because she herself can wear (or not wear) more revealing clothes and dance more provocatively than them. So, she is doing 2 roles (Buy 1 get 1 free) together (# 1 The heroine – whom the hero romances, # 2 The vamp – Used to seduce the hero/villain). And btw, she does not fit the image of a Gudiya anymore , unless you are into Sex dolls and other kinky stuffs.
# 4 The real Bad-Ass/Gudiya’s Papa – He has lived in underground dens, with fluorescent lights and smokes to add to the effect (The sets look more like Kumortuli Pujo Pandel though), and the head of a dear and a tiger-skin for long. With high hunter boots, pipes and sone ka biscuits, he has sent shivers through the spines of the viewers for years. Nowadays, he has sprawling villas, the longest stretch limos in town, and the Devil wears Prada. In first impression it’s difficult to say whether he’s good bad or ugly. And he has a pretty daughter, who will get hooked up with the good guy, and then troubles start. Alternate sources of trouble are if he had berahami se katl’d the hero’s parents for some whatsoever feud.
# 5 The Good Cop – He is the one who is transferred to the most wretched locations over and over again, for doing what he is supposed to do – yes his Job. When he again tries to continue the same out there, out of habit, he is invariably suspended by the balding Commissioner who has just received a Call from the Minister screaming ”Yeh sab kya ho raha hai?” But that’s not all, the suspended Cop will finally solve the case, or in other words, he can only solve the case if he is suspended. On the process, he will definitely visit some dance bar, where he will get hold of the baddies after receiving a tip off from a little, skinny guy who calls him from a STD Booth.
So this was all about the characters. Now, to make a Bollywood movie and not have the song and dance sequence is blasphemy. So you have a fixed methodology; songs and dances are like the best practices injected into specific slots just to make your movie compliant to the industry standards. So you need to have at least 5 songs and a maximum of well, whatever Hum Aapke Hai Kaun had.
# 1 The Happy Song – Generally sung in and around Colleges with Bikes, Beers and Friends all around. (All the college knows your song and steps)
# 2 The Fell in Love Song – Figments of thoughts of how beautiful love is with the hero imagining himself feasting the heroine’s body.
# 3 The Transparent Saree Song – With Rainfall, Waterfall or hay mounds adding to the titilation.
# 4 The Sad Song – The Hero gets an excuse to drink and lament about their Judaai for whatever trivial reason.
# 5 The Happy Song 2 – Generally sung in and around a homely atmosphere with Bikes, Beer and Friends replaced by a Car, Kid, and the wife.
Now you have 5 plots, 5 genres, 5 characters and 5 songs under your belt. So anyone who has paid a little attention in Std XI-XII Mathematics could figure out instantly how many different Permutations and Combinations can be made out of these. For those of you, who were more interested in reading Playboy magazine in the last bench instead of what your Geek Madam was trying to convey, the figure would be… mmm…(trying to calculate) …Huge.
So that’s the success formula of Hindi Movies. You work out these few elements in such different combinations and orders that though two films are made of the same elements, they can be as different as ‘Paakeezah’ and ‘Tashan’. So, that’s simple, isn’t it? And you always thought that Hindi Movies were so unpredictable
Candidly speaking, I had to bribe almost my whole friendlist in Orkut and Facebook to read that blog. I had to do few “hey Sweeties, read ma blog?” kind of things to gals who r not sweet from any possible angle;with whom I had last talked some 5 yrs ago. Still when I found that my readership is not crossing the single digit mark, I threw a party at my place and did a narration of the blog. But when I realized that they are more interested in watching “Milenge Milenge” on a pirated DVD than listening to my blog which I was narrating with the same magnitude as Steve Jobs did while addressing the Stanford University fresher’s batch a few yrs ago, I gave up.
Soon, I was watching voluptuous Kareena and size Zero Shahid (yes, this epic was made some 5 yrs ago when Shahid did not have a chest to flaunt, and Kareena did not lose hers… ) cuddling in exotic Locales. That’s when I decided if I write on something next, it would be homage to the Bollywood scriptwriters on how they manage to unravel so many fascinating and unpredictable stories year after year.
The spinal column of a movie is its plot. Now, Hindi Cinema has for eternity been very sturdy and severe in this context; i.e. the plot will be for the most part sketched on one of these lines.
• Poor Guy loves Rich Girl (Rich Girl’s dad = Mr.Evil)
• 2 Guys Love same Girl (The guy who trails the whole movie will unexpectedly hit aces in the last half an hr.)
• 2 Long Lost Twin Brothers (One of them definitely evil) who were separated at birth
• The Hero with a incurable Disease (He’ll not die until the last 10 secs of the movie)
• The Badass killing the Hero’s parents(Or Looting the Izzat of the Hero’s Sis)
Now, the most remarkable thing about a Hindi movie is that you cannot fit it into one single genre. So, even if you go to a theatre and watch an absolutely crappy movie, you are still somehow happy on your way back that you watched almost 5 movies at the price of 1, because a Hindi Movie will consist of all the 5 broad genres:
• Comedy (If sudden dropping of the comedians Pajama qualifies as comedy)
• Romance (Insects sucking the nectar out of a flower kinda stuff)
• Action (From Slaps to Rocket Launchers, u name it , we’ve got it)
• Musical (Nobody can beat Bollywood in the avg. 10 song/movie record)
• Drama (Everything in Hindi movies are over the edge dramatic)
Now, coming to the ‘Must have Characters’:
# 1 The Mom – Immortalized by Nirupa Roy’s ever perennial source of tears and her “Choukh gaye? White Saree”. This character has undergone some serious metamorphosis and has become Kirron Kher wearing a Rs.1.8 Lakh Stone studded Ritu Kumar Saree (for people who love useless trivia) in the epic “Singh is Kinng.” But she will still cry if her son indulges in some “Itne saare paise kahaan se mile beta?” activities and won’t touch the money (jo khoon se range ho) even if the son’s Pitaji is on his death bed in some old ward of a municipal hospital (In other words, the Mom has stood the tests of the time like a Giant Tree, completely unshakeable.)
# 2 The Beta/Hero – Surely he has changed a lot from the times of Rajendar Kumar, where even touching a woman was considered a sin (unless the woman was drowning/freezing and you had to transfer “tann ki garmi” by..You know what). Respecting his parents and siblings was the first and last thing in his mind. Now, he has the liberty to smooch 17 times in a movie. He drinks, lives with the heroine “shaadi ke pehle , ek hi chhat ke neechhe..” He two/multi times with simplicity. This change of the hero’s character is superbly captured by Karan Johar (people who are not straight are finally happy with my mentioning his name) movies. From K2H2, K3G, KHNH to KANK his message has simply shifted to “Love your Friends to Parents to Neighbors to finally… the other man’s wife”. The only thing which has not changed throughout is that his favourite dish remains “Gajar ka Halwa”
# 3 The Gudiya/Heroine – Gone are the good old days when she and her bunch of bubbly sahelis played Balloons and Rings all around Papa’s (Mr. Evil, remember?) huge mansion, dressed in the most eye catching outfits in Yellow, Purple or Pink polka dots. Not to forget the retro oversized glasses and hair bands. Now, imagine 20 something of this rare species on identical bicycles singing “Laa Laa Laa.. Laa Laa”. Now, she wears bikinis even if she’s out shopping for breads n eggs. Vanished are her girlfriends, they are replaced by pretty pretty boyz, she calls friends. She has eradicated the need of Item girls (vamps) like Bindu and Aruna Irani, because she herself can wear (or not wear) more revealing clothes and dance more provocatively than them. So, she is doing 2 roles (Buy 1 get 1 free) together (# 1 The heroine – whom the hero romances, # 2 The vamp – Used to seduce the hero/villain). And btw, she does not fit the image of a Gudiya anymore , unless you are into Sex dolls and other kinky stuffs.
# 4 The real Bad-Ass/Gudiya’s Papa – He has lived in underground dens, with fluorescent lights and smokes to add to the effect (The sets look more like Kumortuli Pujo Pandel though), and the head of a dear and a tiger-skin for long. With high hunter boots, pipes and sone ka biscuits, he has sent shivers through the spines of the viewers for years. Nowadays, he has sprawling villas, the longest stretch limos in town, and the Devil wears Prada. In first impression it’s difficult to say whether he’s good bad or ugly. And he has a pretty daughter, who will get hooked up with the good guy, and then troubles start. Alternate sources of trouble are if he had berahami se katl’d the hero’s parents for some whatsoever feud.
# 5 The Good Cop – He is the one who is transferred to the most wretched locations over and over again, for doing what he is supposed to do – yes his Job. When he again tries to continue the same out there, out of habit, he is invariably suspended by the balding Commissioner who has just received a Call from the Minister screaming ”Yeh sab kya ho raha hai?” But that’s not all, the suspended Cop will finally solve the case, or in other words, he can only solve the case if he is suspended. On the process, he will definitely visit some dance bar, where he will get hold of the baddies after receiving a tip off from a little, skinny guy who calls him from a STD Booth.
So this was all about the characters. Now, to make a Bollywood movie and not have the song and dance sequence is blasphemy. So you have a fixed methodology; songs and dances are like the best practices injected into specific slots just to make your movie compliant to the industry standards. So you need to have at least 5 songs and a maximum of well, whatever Hum Aapke Hai Kaun had.
# 1 The Happy Song – Generally sung in and around Colleges with Bikes, Beers and Friends all around. (All the college knows your song and steps)
# 2 The Fell in Love Song – Figments of thoughts of how beautiful love is with the hero imagining himself feasting the heroine’s body.
# 3 The Transparent Saree Song – With Rainfall, Waterfall or hay mounds adding to the titilation.
# 4 The Sad Song – The Hero gets an excuse to drink and lament about their Judaai for whatever trivial reason.
# 5 The Happy Song 2 – Generally sung in and around a homely atmosphere with Bikes, Beer and Friends replaced by a Car, Kid, and the wife.
Now you have 5 plots, 5 genres, 5 characters and 5 songs under your belt. So anyone who has paid a little attention in Std XI-XII Mathematics could figure out instantly how many different Permutations and Combinations can be made out of these. For those of you, who were more interested in reading Playboy magazine in the last bench instead of what your Geek Madam was trying to convey, the figure would be… mmm…(trying to calculate) …Huge.
So that’s the success formula of Hindi Movies. You work out these few elements in such different combinations and orders that though two films are made of the same elements, they can be as different as ‘Paakeezah’ and ‘Tashan’. So, that’s simple, isn’t it? And you always thought that Hindi Movies were so unpredictable
Wednesday, July 14, 2010
Myth : Football is the most beautiful game on the earth
Okay, First things First:
I am by no means a Great Footballer.Nor am I a Football expert...
Being born and bought up in India, somehow it’s not in the list of my Fundamental Rights, I guess…
The closest thing with which I can associate myself with the game might be my protruding tummy, which people have mistaken for a Football, time and again...
Secondly, I am by no means a novelist...So, if you are still reading this (Thanks... :)!)I am sorry to say that you will be utterly thwarted with the writing style. Coz, pretty obviously u won’t encounter the panache and poise with which Oscar Wild or Sexspeare wrote... (Btw, thou art might get occasional glimpses of wild sex though)
Thirdly, I will continuously use this kind of intentional, totally irrelevant and irritating PJ’s, so that even if u r absolutely pissed off with my writing, u can simply enjoy this PJ’s.
So, if u r still reading this and contemplating a murder, u can initiate the noble cause by sending me hate mails @ diptangshu.h@gmail.com .
And lastly if u encounter any spelling mistakes and/or grammatical errors (which I am sure u will, by the dozen), kindly overlook them and process the correct ones in your brain. It’s simply because I have turned off the Spell-check (just like I have turned off the very few women in my life) in Microsoft Word as I am pissed off by telling it “My name is not a spelling mistake, stop underlining it with a red saw tooth, u bitch.”
It started off with a small Facebook Debate on a Friend’s wall (Don’t u smirk; I do have a few friends). With the Fifa fever gripping the whole world, my poor friend was not spared as usual. And he did the biggest mistake of his life. He patronized the game and not only that; he went a few steps ahead and compared it with Cricket…! He did the rarest of the rarest of the crime of using these spiteful words -“with the WC getting over now, hopes all Indians take more interest in The Beautiful Game... Keep the fever on folks... It’s a thousand times better than cricket. And you know it :)”
Out came the tongues and pangs from everywhere and my poor friend was cornered in an instance by the protector’s of the World’s no. 1 sport (Cricket dude… what else wr u thinking off?). Ohh, we have a lot of them here. With a series of hate-posts in his kitty within an hour, my friend was almost on the verge of a nervous breakdown. That’s when I decided that enough is enough and I need to make him understand that “Dude, when in India.. Do as the Indian’s” (Btw, I am not referring to the Indian style lavatories).
So, I wrote him a mail in which I explained him in details why “Football is the most beautiful game in the earth” is a myth and why he should not ever commit the blasphemy of using the 3 words together.. “Better than cricket”, because to millions of Indians, this sentence is as meaningless as Wayne Rooney was in the 2010 Fifa world cup. The mail went something like this:
Dude,
U out of ur mind or what? U knw what u just did? I mean, how stupid is it to post such a thing on ur wall? U have any idea how ppl might react to this? Remember what happened to Varun Gandhi when he had delivered some stern speech targeted to a certain community? This is ridiculous. People should learn from other’s mistakes. And u did a graver sin by not only insulting the religion of 110 Crores (Am I updated with the figures, or is it some 2001 census data?) Indians, but that 2 on ur Facebook wall..!!!
I mean, it’s a different thing to address a crowd and deliver a controversial speech, but for chrissake don’t tweet or Post this kind of sensitive material on the net… (Ask Tharoor, he’s still repenting).
Cricket is the best possible sport in the world (simply because India and 8 other nations play it.)
Don’t u remember we have won the World Cup in 1983? (This gives us a 100 years lease of right on the property).
Cricket has given us a New God in the form of Sachin Tendulkar (330 million Hindu Gods and Goddesses were never enough.)
We have consistently defeated Bangladesh, Zimbabwe, and Kenya again and again (So what if we are a bit apprehensive playing on fast tracks like Perth and occasionally get bowled out within 100 runs?)
Look at the choices we offer in Cricket – 5 days , 1 day , 3 hrs (Just like sex, u can decide whether u r going for a marathon session or a quickie)
So u can anytime decide what kind of Cricket u want to watch and do not end up with a fixed boring format of 45 min this side – 45 mins that game (And yes, we do have busty blonde cheerleaders shaking ‘what their mama gave them’ in IPL’s and World T20 Cup whenever a 4 or 6 is hit.)
Look at the multi-talented lot of Indian cricketers and you can never complain about it (We have a Turbanator who uses the Maa ki gaali with ease in the gentleman’s game and occasionally slaps his colleague on the field, who btw happens to be a better dancer than a bowler.)
Our Captain is the most multi-talented Skipper the world has seen (Not only has he introduced all the baseball shots in cricket, he owns Hyabuzas, hobnobs with John Abraham and dates pretty chicks. What else do u expect from a guy whose shoulders are already so over burdened with the responsibilities of Handling the most important ministry – The Ministry of Cricket?)
Our ex cricketers have always made us proud (So what if half of the team was involved in match fixing at a time? Who doesn’t want to make some money from a game?)
They are so dedicated that they still want to give their best and entertain us (They are so hell bent on entertaining us that they appear as Comedy Show hosts and laugh their guts out on the drop of a hat. Some have become selectors and successfully screwed up the careers of others who had done much better than them.)
We also have our own Desi Mandira Bedi consistently teaching the young guns the art of appeal all these years. And now u soccer fanatics r copying these techniques by bringing some half American half Indian chick in the expert panel (So what if Mayanti played football for her college team? Mandira acted in the blockbuster DDLJ.. That makes her overqualified than Mayanti, any given day)
See what happened to Lagaan, a movie on Cricket.. it almost won an Oscars.. You bloody soccer fanatics (Now I am turning aggressive and abusive) tried to recreate the magic with Dhan Dhana Dhan Goal and failed miserably.
Dude, it’s high time u accept this facts and post an apology to all the millions of people u have unknowingly hurt. Why waste ur precious time on watching Football and dreaming in vain that India will qualify someday in the FIFA world cup? Let’s unite together and pray that India becomes a stronger cricketing economy and love the most beautiful game on earth.
Thanks,
DIptangshu Hazra
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