Myth : Football is the most beautiful game on the earth

Okay, First things First:

I am by no means a Great Footballer.Nor am I a Football expert...

Being born and bought up in India, somehow it’s not in the list of my Fundamental Rights, I guess…

The closest thing with which I can associate myself with the game might be my protruding tummy, which people have mistaken for a Football, time and again...

Secondly, I am by no means a novelist...So, if you are still reading this (Thanks... :)!)I am sorry to say that you will be utterly thwarted with the writing style. Coz, pretty obviously u won’t encounter the panache and poise with which Oscar Wild or Sexspeare wrote... (Btw, thou art might get occasional glimpses of wild sex though)

Thirdly, I will continuously use this kind of intentional, totally irrelevant and irritating PJ’s, so that even if u r absolutely pissed off with my writing, u can simply enjoy this PJ’s.

So, if u r still reading this and contemplating a murder, u can initiate the noble cause by sending me hate mails @ diptangshu.h@gmail.com .

And lastly if u encounter any spelling mistakes and/or grammatical errors (which I am sure u will, by the dozen), kindly overlook them and process the correct ones in your brain. It’s simply because I have turned off the Spell-check (just like I have turned off the very few women in my life) in Microsoft Word as I am pissed off by telling it “My name is not a spelling mistake, stop underlining it with a red saw tooth, u bitch.”

It started off with a small Facebook Debate on a Friend’s wall (Don’t u smirk; I do have a few friends). With the Fifa fever gripping the whole world, my poor friend was not spared as usual. And he did the biggest mistake of his life. He patronized the game and not only that; he went a few steps ahead and compared it with Cricket…! He did the rarest of the rarest of the crime of using these spiteful words -“with the WC getting over now, hopes all Indians take more interest in The Beautiful Game... Keep the fever on folks... It’s a thousand times better than cricket. And you know it :)”

Out came the tongues and pangs from everywhere and my poor friend was cornered in an instance by the protector’s of the World’s no. 1 sport (Cricket dude… what else wr u thinking off?). Ohh, we have a lot of them here. With a series of hate-posts in his kitty within an hour, my friend was almost on the verge of a nervous breakdown. That’s when I decided that enough is enough and I need to make him understand that “Dude, when in India.. Do as the Indian’s” (Btw, I am not referring to the Indian style lavatories).

So, I wrote him a mail in which I explained him in details why “Football is the most beautiful game in the earth” is a myth and why he should not ever commit the blasphemy of using the 3 words together.. “Better than cricket”, because to millions of Indians, this sentence is as meaningless as Wayne Rooney was in the 2010 Fifa world cup. The mail went something like this:

Dude,

U out of ur mind or what? U knw what u just did? I mean, how stupid is it to post such a thing on ur wall? U have any idea how ppl might react to this? Remember what happened to Varun Gandhi when he had delivered some stern speech targeted to a certain community? This is ridiculous. People should learn from other’s mistakes. And u did a graver sin by not only insulting the religion of 110 Crores (Am I updated with the figures, or is it some 2001 census data?) Indians, but that 2 on ur Facebook wall..!!!

I mean, it’s a different thing to address a crowd and deliver a controversial speech, but for chrissake don’t tweet or Post this kind of sensitive material on the net… (Ask Tharoor, he’s still repenting).

Cricket is the best possible sport in the world (simply because India and 8 other nations play it.)

Don’t u remember we have won the World Cup in 1983? (This gives us a 100 years lease of right on the property).

Cricket has given us a New God in the form of Sachin Tendulkar (330 million Hindu Gods and Goddesses were never enough.)

We have consistently defeated Bangladesh, Zimbabwe, and Kenya again and again (So what if we are a bit apprehensive playing on fast tracks like Perth and occasionally get bowled out within 100 runs?)

Look at the choices we offer in Cricket – 5 days , 1 day , 3 hrs (Just like sex, u can decide whether u r going for a marathon session or a quickie)

So u can anytime decide what kind of Cricket u want to watch and do not end up with a fixed boring format of 45 min this side – 45 mins that game (And yes, we do have busty blonde cheerleaders shaking ‘what their mama gave them’ in IPL’s and World T20 Cup whenever a 4 or 6 is hit.)

Look at the multi-talented lot of Indian cricketers and you can never complain about it (We have a Turbanator who uses the Maa ki gaali with ease in the gentleman’s game and occasionally slaps his colleague on the field, who btw happens to be a better dancer than a bowler.)

Our Captain is the most multi-talented Skipper the world has seen (Not only has he introduced all the baseball shots in cricket, he owns Hyabuzas, hobnobs with John Abraham and dates pretty chicks. What else do u expect from a guy whose shoulders are already so over burdened with the responsibilities of Handling the most important ministry – The Ministry of Cricket?)

Our ex cricketers have always made us proud (So what if half of the team was involved in match fixing at a time? Who doesn’t want to make some money from a game?)

They are so dedicated that they still want to give their best and entertain us (They are so hell bent on entertaining us that they appear as Comedy Show hosts and laugh their guts out on the drop of a hat. Some have become selectors and successfully screwed up the careers of others who had done much better than them.)

We also have our own Desi Mandira Bedi consistently teaching the young guns the art of appeal all these years. And now u soccer fanatics r copying these techniques by bringing some half American half Indian chick in the expert panel (So what if Mayanti played football for her college team? Mandira acted in the blockbuster DDLJ.. That makes her overqualified than Mayanti, any given day)

See what happened to Lagaan, a movie on Cricket.. it almost won an Oscars.. You bloody soccer fanatics (Now I am turning aggressive and abusive) tried to recreate the magic with Dhan Dhana Dhan Goal and failed miserably.

Dude, it’s high time u accept this facts and post an apology to all the millions of people u have unknowingly hurt. Why waste ur precious time on watching Football and dreaming in vain that India will qualify someday in the FIFA world cup? Let’s unite together and pray that India becomes a stronger cricketing economy and love the most beautiful game on earth.

Thanks,

DIptangshu Hazra